Saturday, September 10, 2011

I Don't Want Love

"You wanna climb up the stairs,
I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around.

If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home.

I don't want love."

~ "I Don't Want Love" by The Antlers

Can you ever enter a romantic relationship with a friend and come out unscathed? In all likelihood, the romance will one day end. And then what happens to the friendship?

In some ways, it's like we've been through too much. Too much has happened for us to be just friends. And we are both too fucked up to have a lasting loving relationship. I'm possessive. So is he. We are both jealous, but fearful of really being true to our feelings. And then there is the inequality of those feelings. I care more for him than he does for me. Our "friendship" means more to me than it does to him. I'm guided by the fear that if I take that next step, it will break something between us and I'll be rejected.

So when he comes at me with his confusing brand of affection... when he lavishes attention on me and tells me I'm beautiful... when he curls up next to me and I hear the softness of his breath... it's invigorating! But I want to push him away. Batter him with my fists. Hurt him for being so lovely to me but not really meaning it. Because in the next instant he can turn cold. And the worst cruelty is the minimizing of our relationship. His ability to make it seem like those actions meant nothing to him. Making me feel stupid and silly for having felt that I actually meant something to him. But I still wait patiently for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. For him to love me again. And I hate him for it. And love him too. And hate myself even more. And I want to murder us both.

I don't want love? Of course I do. And so do you. And we will keep beating each other up trying to find it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nighttime Lies

"People say that your dreams are the only things that save you.
Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior"

~ "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

Dreams are boundless. In my dreams, I am limited only by myself. Held back only by the the limitations my subconscious mind places on me. I can do anything... or nothing. It can be a source of jubilance and elation or terrible frustration. A place of love and passion or fear and sadness.

Add to that the misbehavior bit, which, is really my favorite part. Dreams are where all my secret fantasies play out. All the things that I can't say or do in real life. Not to mention it is sort of a seductive line. I actually texted this quote to a guy once and I meant every word of it. I'm dreaming of you... and my dreams are not innocent.

Oh, the nighttime lies I tell myself.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Medicine is a crazy, innocence-losing mind-trip into the unknown yet perpetually predictable world of ego-driven type-A overachievers and the loonies they care for. You are constantly forced to suppress who you are... your feelings and thoughts always closely contained in that shell of superficial coldness. Desires erased. Hedonistic tendencies bubbling constantly under the surface simply to maintain some semblance of life and vitality.

I'm alive.

But I can't show you. It wouldn't be appropriate. I'm forced into mindless risk-taking in order to prove to myself that I'm not completely numb.

Need Me

I don't need you
Need me!
You kill me with your affection
My strength lost
My character subverted
My identity questioned
My independence forfeited
I am a shell of who I once was

Vapors in the Rain

The seductive swarm of memories
Can sting too
False currents swirl with truth
Mired down with hopes and failures
Too much time has passed
They fade like vapors in the rain

Guessing and Keeping Still

So, I'm starting this blog as an outlet for random ramblings that I don't necessarily want to share with all my closest friends. I can't guarantee that they will be any good or that they will make any sense, but I'll do it anyway. Feel free to share your thoughts as everyone likes feedback. And kudos to anyone who can identify the quote that the title of this blog comes from.