Lost

So, currently I feel that I've sort of completely lost my mind. What's funny is that I can still rationalize everything. I know why I've made certain terrible decisions. I know what lead me to them. I just don't know how to NOT make them. I feel that I'm weak willed. I am the most lost as I have ever been in my life. And all I want to do is tell people about it. Or find some way to fill the hole. I can't decide what more to say.

Insecure Writer's Support Group

So I have been a very baaaad member of this group. And I'm sorry. I really did fully intend on writing something for it every month but sometimes life just gets away from you.

I've been in a bit of a funk lately. I haven't been doing much writing. I simply haven't felt very creative. It's almost as though my mind is numb and I can't come up with ANYTHING interesting to say much less the words to describe it. With this being the predominant feeling that I have had, I haven't felt much like sharing.

That being said, I decided to pick up my computer and write today. It just came to me. Even if it is just a few blog posts. It's something. So, this is a very boring post, but I'm gonna try. Harder. Better. More. And I wish all of you other writers much success and no writers-block in the coming year. Happy New Year to one and all.

Insecure Writer's Support Group:

http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/p/insecure-writers-support-group.html

(yeah, so I suck at the html... I'll work on it)

New Year's Resolutions

So, usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions. This is usually due to the fact that I feel somewhat shallow and cliched about stating that I want to lose weight or some such nonsense as that. But this year, I'm going to make some... and post them publicly for accountability.

1. Find myself

This isn't absolute. I don't have to have my whole life figured out. But I need to find a core. I need to dig myself out of this fluctuating sadness. I need to make changes. Make myself into a person that I can admire. Quit being so self-destructive.

2. Learn to play the guitar

Much less weighty and still yet something I have always wanted to do. I'm gonna be sexy as shit.

Lesser (but still important) resolutions:

1. 365 project

I have already started. I will take at least one photo a day to be compiled into some sort of visual depiction of my year. I'm pretty excited and I hope I don't forget to take a shot every day.

2. Nesting

I want to work on my house. I've been living with hand-me-down furniture for many, many years and I need things around me that illustrate my personal sense of style. I think this means I may create my own wall art. I have been seeing some fun/easy DIY art projects on Pinterest that I considering.

So for the moment I am excited about my projects. Some are, understandably, going to be much harder than others. But I'm all over it. Happy New Year.

I Don't Want Love

"You wanna climb up the stairs,

I wanna push you back down.

But I let you inside,

So you can push me around.

If I leave before you,

And I walk out alone,

Keep your hands to yourself

When you follow me home.

I don't want love."

~ "I Don't Want Love" by The Antlers

Can you ever enter a romantic relationship with a friend and come out unscathed? In all likelihood, the romance will one day end. And then what happens to the friendship?

In some ways, it's like we've been through too much. Too much has happened for us to be just friends. And we are both too fucked up to have a lasting loving relationship. I'm possessive. So is he. We are both jealous, but fearful of really being true to our feelings. And then there is the inequality of those feelings. I care more for him than he does for me. Our "friendship" means more to me than it does to him. I'm guided by the fear that if I take that next step, it will break something between us and I'll be rejected.

So when he comes at me with his confusing brand of affection... when he lavishes attention on me and tells me I'm beautiful... when he curls up next to me and I hear the softness of his breath... it's invigorating! But I want to push him away. Batter him with my fists. Hurt him for being so lovely to me but not really meaning it. Because in the next instant he can turn cold. And the worst cruelty is the minimizing of our relationship. His ability to make it seem like those actions meant nothing to him. Making me feel stupid and silly for having felt that I actually meant something to him. But I still wait patiently for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. For him to love me again. And I hate him for it. And love him too. And hate myself even more. And I want to murder us both.

I don't want love? Of course I do. And so do you. And we will keep beating each other up trying to find it.

Nighttime Lies

"People say that your dreams are the only things that save you.

Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior"

~ "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

Dreams are boundless. In my dreams, I am limited only by myself. Held back only by the the limitations my subconscious mind places on me. I can do anything... or nothing. It can be a source of jubilance and elation or terrible frustration. A place of love and passion or fear and sadness.

Add to that the misbehavior bit, which, is really my favorite part. Dreams are where all my secret fantasies play out. All the things that I can't say or do in real life. Not to mention it is sort of a seductive line. I actually texted this quote to a guy once and I meant every word of it. I'm dreaming of you... and my dreams are not innocent.

Oh, the nighttime lies I tell myself.

Medicine is a crazy, innocence-losing mind-trip into the unknown yet perpetually predictable world of ego-driven type-A overachievers and the loonies they care for. You are constantly forced to suppress who you are... your feelings and thoughts always closely contained in that shell of superficial coldness. Desires erased. Hedonistic tendencies bubbling constantly under the surface simply to maintain some semblance of life and vitality.

I'm alive.

But I can't show you. It wouldn't be appropriate. I'm forced into mindless risk-taking in order to prove to myself that I'm not completely numb.

Need Me

I don't need you

Need me!

You kill me with your affection

My strength lost

My character subverted

My identity questioned

My independence forfeited

I am a shell of who I once was