I Don't Want Love

"You wanna climb up the stairs,

I wanna push you back down.

But I let you inside,

So you can push me around.

If I leave before you,

And I walk out alone,

Keep your hands to yourself

When you follow me home.

I don't want love."

~ "I Don't Want Love" by The Antlers

Can you ever enter a romantic relationship with a friend and come out unscathed? In all likelihood, the romance will one day end. And then what happens to the friendship?

In some ways, it's like we've been through too much. Too much has happened for us to be just friends. And we are both too fucked up to have a lasting loving relationship. I'm possessive. So is he. We are both jealous, but fearful of really being true to our feelings. And then there is the inequality of those feelings. I care more for him than he does for me. Our "friendship" means more to me than it does to him. I'm guided by the fear that if I take that next step, it will break something between us and I'll be rejected.

So when he comes at me with his confusing brand of affection... when he lavishes attention on me and tells me I'm beautiful... when he curls up next to me and I hear the softness of his breath... it's invigorating! But I want to push him away. Batter him with my fists. Hurt him for being so lovely to me but not really meaning it. Because in the next instant he can turn cold. And the worst cruelty is the minimizing of our relationship. His ability to make it seem like those actions meant nothing to him. Making me feel stupid and silly for having felt that I actually meant something to him. But I still wait patiently for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. For him to love me again. And I hate him for it. And love him too. And hate myself even more. And I want to murder us both.

I don't want love? Of course I do. And so do you. And we will keep beating each other up trying to find it.

Nighttime Lies

"People say that your dreams are the only things that save you.

Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehavior"

~ "Rebellion (Lies)" by Arcade Fire

Dreams are boundless. In my dreams, I am limited only by myself. Held back only by the the limitations my subconscious mind places on me. I can do anything... or nothing. It can be a source of jubilance and elation or terrible frustration. A place of love and passion or fear and sadness.

Add to that the misbehavior bit, which, is really my favorite part. Dreams are where all my secret fantasies play out. All the things that I can't say or do in real life. Not to mention it is sort of a seductive line. I actually texted this quote to a guy once and I meant every word of it. I'm dreaming of you... and my dreams are not innocent.

Oh, the nighttime lies I tell myself.