I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around.
If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home.
I don't want love."
~ "I Don't Want Love" by The Antlers
Can you ever enter a romantic relationship with a friend and come out unscathed? In all likelihood, the romance will one day end. And then what happens to the friendship?
In some ways, it's like we've been through too much. Too much has happened for us to be just friends. And we are both too fucked up to have a lasting loving relationship. I'm possessive. So is he. We are both jealous, but fearful of really being true to our feelings. And then there is the inequality of those feelings. I care more for him than he does for me. Our "friendship" means more to me than it does to him. I'm guided by the fear that if I take that next step, it will break something between us and I'll be rejected.
So when he comes at me with his confusing brand of affection... when he lavishes attention on me and tells me I'm beautiful... when he curls up next to me and I hear the softness of his breath... it's invigorating! But I want to push him away. Batter him with my fists. Hurt him for being so lovely to me but not really meaning it. Because in the next instant he can turn cold. And the worst cruelty is the minimizing of our relationship. His ability to make it seem like those actions meant nothing to him. Making me feel stupid and silly for having felt that I actually meant something to him. But I still wait patiently for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. For him to love me again. And I hate him for it. And love him too. And hate myself even more. And I want to murder us both.
I don't want love? Of course I do. And so do you. And we will keep beating each other up trying to find it.